A Present Intentional Father
I am a divorced, remarried man with children. I divorced my ex-wife (due to irreconcilable differences)- but not my 2 eldest children. Having an additional 2 children after divorce has been tough to manage each child’s individual needs. Not an easy thing to do but I love them all unconditionally for their uniqueness and their brilliance. Being a good father is one of the most important and rewarding roles a man can have in life. I’ve worked extremely hard to do my best- and constantly fail.
Winston Churchill once said “success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm”
Being a good father is extremely important to me.
Being a dad is one of the most challenging and demanding roles, especially in the UK, where many children are growing up without father figures. According to the web search results, here are some statistics that show the extent and impact of this problem:
The UK, along with Ireland, has the worst statistics in family breakdown in the entire EU. Family breakdown is the route by which many boys lose all meaningful contact with their fathers and it is now estimated that approximately 2 million children in the UK have no meaningful contact with their father.
A million UK children are growing up without a father in their lives, says a new report on family breakdown. The Centre for Social Justice report says lone parent families are increasing by more than 20,000 a year, and will top two million by the next general election.
Almost half of children in the United Kingdom are now growing up outside the traditional, nuclear family, a major study shows. The Independent Family Review, led by England's Children's Commissioner, found that 44% of babies born at the start of the century didn't live with both biological parents their entire childhood.
The absence of fathers is linked to higher rates of teenage crime, pregnancy and disadvantage, the report says, warning that the UK is experiencing a "tsunami" of family breakdown. And it highlights areas of the UK with very high levels of lone parent households - although this does not necessarily mean the children living in them have no contact with their fathers.
These statistics are alarming and show that there is a need for more support and encouragement for fathers to be involved and engaged in their children's lives. Being a good father means being present, supportive, loving, respectful, and responsible for your children. It also means being a role model, a teacher, a protector, and a friend to your children. Being a good father can have positive effects on your children's physical, mental, emotional, and social development.
If you are a father or want to be one someday, I can share some tips and learnings on how to be a good father. Here is some practical advice that I found from various sources:
Being a good father is not only beneficial for your children, but also for yourself and your society. I hope you feel inspired to be the best father you can be for your children.
Cherish your time with your children. One thing that will amaze you is how quickly the years will fly. Spend as much time as you can with them, and make it quality, loving time. Try to be present as much as possible while you’re with them too — don’t let your mind drift away, as they can sense that.
It gets easier. Others may have different experiences, but I’ve learned (by doing it twice) that its ‘just a season’ - when the baby is brand new and wants to feed at all hours of the night and you might have sleepless nights or walk around all day like zombies. It’s just a season- it gets easier, as they get a regular sleeping pattern. The first couple of years are also a lot more demanding than later years, but its ‘just a season’ and as they hit middle school they become almost functioning, independent adults. It gets easier, trust me.
Don’t look at anything as “mum” duties — share responsibilities. While there are a lot of good things from our grandparents’ day that we should bring back, the traditional dad/mom split of parenting duties isn’t one of them. Some men still look at certain duties as “mum” duties, but don’t be one of those dads. Get involved in everything, and share the load with your partner. Changing nappies, giving baths, dressing children, even feeding them (you can give them breast milk in a bottle).
Love conquers all. Perhaps this one should be first, but it should be at the centre of your dad operating philosophy: above all, show your children love. When you’re upset, instead of shouting (or pouting), show them love. When they are upset, show them love. When they least expect it, show them love. Everything else is just detail.
Kids like making decisions. While it is easier to be an authoritarian parent, what you’re teaching your child is to submit to orders no matter what. Instead, teach your child to make decisions, and they’ll grow up much more capable — and happier. Kids like freedom and decisions, just like any other human beings. Our job is to allow them to make decisions, but within the parameters that we set. Give them a choice between two healthy breakfasts, for example, rather than allowing them to eat a bowl of sugar if they choose to.
A little patience goes a long way. As a parent, I know as well as anyone how easy it is to lose your patience and temper. However, allowing yourself to react in anger or frustration is not the best thing for your child, and you must remember that. That means you need to take a deep breath, or a walk, when you start to lose your patience. Practice patience with your child and your relationship, and your child, will benefit over the long run.
A Sense of humour is definitely required. There will be times when your child will make you furious — writing in an oil based paint-stick all over the walls is a good one, as is dumping some kind of liquid on your carpet, or not clearing bowls and cups from their rooms. While you need to teach your child not to do these things, it’s better to just laugh at the humour in the situation. I’ve learned to do this more often, and it helps me keep my sanity.
Read to them, often. Whether you’re a reader or not, reading to your children (from the time they’re babies onward) is crucial. It gets them in the habit of reading, and prepares them for a lifetime of learning. It gives you some special time together, and become a tradition your child will cherish.
Don’t be the absent dad. The biggest mistake that dads make is not being there for their children. Always, always, always set aside some time each day and each week for your children. Don’t let anything violate this sacred time. And at those big moments in your child’s life — a football game, a music recital, a school play — do you very best to be there. It means the world.
Let them play. Kids develop who they are through playing — and while it might seem obvious, you should allow them as much free play as possible. That’s aside from TV and video games (see below), aside from reading, aside from anything structured or educational. Just let them play, and make things up, and have fun.
Spark their imagination. Free play, mentioned above, is the best way to develop the imagination, but sometimes you can provide a little spark. Play with your kids, bring fire! create forts, dress up as ninjas, role play, imagining you’re explorers or characters in a film or book … the possibilities are endless, and you’ll have as much fun as they will (perhaps don’t actually bring fire).
Limit TV and video games. Increasingly we are learning that too much of this type of entertainment keeps kids from doing more imaginative playing, from reading, from getting outside to exercise. I recommend an limit per day of “media time”- if you really can’t avoid it all together. Find the amount that works for you and your family.
Learn to say it, and mean it- “no”. While I’m all for giving kids the freedom to choose, and for free play, and lots of other freedoms, there should be limits. Parents who don’t set boundaries are going to have children experience difficulties in relationships when they grow up. And if it’s not good to always say “yes”, it’s also not good for the child to say “no” at first … and then cave in when they throw a temper tantrum or beg and plead. Teach them that your “no” is firm, but only say “no” when you really feel that it’s a boundary you need to set.
Model good behaviour. It’s one thing to tell you child what she should do, but to say one thing and do another just ruins the message. In fact, the real lesson your child will learn is what you do. Your child is always watching you, to learn appropriate behaviour. Excessive drinking or smoking or drug use by parents, for example, will become ingrained in the child’s head. Bad manners, inconsiderate behaviour, sloppy habits, anger and a negative attitude, laziness and greed … all these behaviours will rub off on your child. Instead, model the behaviour you’d like your child to learn…at least while they are in your company!
Treat their mother with respect, always. Some fathers can be abusive toward their spouse, and that will lead to a cycle of abuse when the child grows up. But beyond physical or verbal abuse, there’s the milder sin against the child’s mother: disrespectful behaviour. If you treat your child’s mother with disrespect, your child will not only learn that behaviour, but grow up with insecurities and other emotional problems. Treat your child’s mother with respect at all times.
Let them be themselves. Many parents try to mould their child into the person they want their child to be … even if the child’s personality doesn’t fit that mould. Instead, instil good behaviours and values in your child, but give your child freedom to be themselves. Children, like all humans, have quirks and different personalities. Let those personalities flourish. Love your child for who he is, not who you want him to be.
Teach them independence. From an early age, teach your children to do things for themselves, gradually letting them be more independent as they grow older. While it may seem difficult and time-consuming to teach your child to do something that you could do much faster yourself, it’s worth it in the long run, for the child’s self-confidence and also in terms of how much you have to do.
Stand together as parents. It’s no good to have one parent say one thing, just to have the other contradict that parent. Instead, you and your partner should be working together as a parenting team, and should stand by each other’s decisions. That said, it’s important that you talk out these decisions beforehand, so that you don’t end up having to support a decision you strongly disagree with.
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